About a month ago the Lord put something before me and asked if I would trust him and follow. I can only explain that I knew it was from him because the idea was so “out there” in regard to who I am and the things I feel capable of doing. Not to mention that this idea is something I never once imagined I would ever do- something I’ve never wanted to do. When he asked if I would follow him right away I said, I want to Lord. But just as quickly as I expressed my heart I also confessed I couldn’t. Patiently he continued to bring this up. I simply could not shake the gentle push. I continued to pray and confess that my heart wanted to be obedient but I couldn’t see how–I explained to him all the reasons why I couldn’t.
Oh how patient he is. Over a period of three weeks he and I discussed. To no credit of my own the spirit worked on my heart. Getting from the place of “I want to” to a place of “wherever you lead me- I’ll follow”. I will. Shaky feet and all, I’ll follow you Lord.
I hate change. I used to say Josh was the one who hated it but over the years we’ve come to find out that as much as Josh doesn’t initially like change, once he knows it’s going to happen he accepts it and transitions. He is the gentle one. I, on the other hand mourn when change occurs. I process. I need my time- however long I need. I hate change. I like knowing what tomorrow holds. But change doesn’t really allow clean cut lines and clear direction- at first anyway. I’ve learned that life isn’t one of being comfortable. Specially when you follow Jesus. Sometimes he asks hard things of you. And if you are obedient sometimes that means stepping out where you feel your feet may fail, but I’d rather step out in that fear than be disobedient. After all, one day when I receive that long awaited hug from my Abba Father I want to feel that proud fatherly embrace. The kind that lingers as he picks me up and my feet dangle feet from the ground. I can’t wait for that day. Until then I take a deep breath. Exhale slowly and pray “Lord help me” underneath my breath…. and step out, one foot after the other wherever he would call me.