On the way to Portland for yet another round of doctor appointments I heard on the radio that today was national honesty day. This day is a day dedicated to truth and encourages us to be authentic and real.
If you have followed my blog at all- or follow me on Facebook or twitter, you know I aim to be transparent. That is probably why I would choose to spend my last 2 hours of this April 30th journaling honest thoughts!
I want to be real. And I mean REAL. I don’t want to be a version of myself for people’s sake– rather I want to be the person God created me to be. This person is not complete of course as I think God has much more to mold me into through this passage called life. Through these lessons though I wish to only show my true self. One whose whole aim is to mirror Christ and one who at the same time is not perfect and has to keep going back to Christ.
I don’t wish to be in a pedistal. We all know that what goes up must come down right?! I also don’t wish to fit in a box called “missionary” “wife” “photographer” “mother”. I do all these things to the beat of my heart, that beat was set in rythm by my creator and that is the only one I can follow. That is the only one I wish to follow.
The last year has been hard. I have learned to juggle more than in all my life. Ministry, job, parenting- these are the big ones but inbetween all of these there were so many, many more unique struggles that I have had to face. I have felt pressured at times to be someone who I am not through these circumstances. Pressure to meet people’s needs. At times I have caved and been in a hurtful place because of it. I have tried to meet everyone’s needs while also trying to keep everything else on my plate balanced- and have felt defeated. I have fallen apart. I have hurt. I have hurt my little family in the process. I have failed.
BUT I have also succeded. I have placed boundaries. I have emptied my plate of all the unnecessary. I have said ‘no’ . Most benefitial, I have been honest with God. I have poured out my heart to him in psalms, in journaling, in prayer and in songs. Do you want to hear the funny thing? I found that God was never the one asking more of me. Sometimes people demand things but I have learned to stop and check to see if God is in the asking. If he isn’t I pass….
As I type tonight weight is released. I am free. I am complete being me in front of my creator God and in front of those I walk beside. Even in client relations I am free to be honest in all that I am carrying and I find comfort in honesty. I have found that the more honest I am about where I am, the more people respond.
When I am real it frees others to be so as well. Hooray to National Honesty Day- though I wish that we would celebrate it each and every day!